bakeurfaceoff

A Blog about Grief

dreamame:

Here I sit on my couch staring at the tv. There are so many people around me that want to talk, want to scratch my back and hug me. While Im appreciative, I just want to talk you, little computer. I’ll pretend for a second that this message will enter into cyber space and never find its way to into anyone’s judgement.

I lost my mom. I cant believe it. It was quick, it was a shock and the last conversation I had with her was meaningless and stupid, and I was distracted, buying vegan shoes online. I dont even remember saying “goodbye.” We usually ended conversations with “I love you, bye.” I sincerely hope we said that this time. On November 4th I was sitting in my Los Angeles hotel room annoyed that I was being held there by a network for a screen test i’d completed the day before. I was anxious to get home to my boyfriend and my dogs. I lollygagged all day, my friend Shawn came to pick me up and took me out to lunch, he dropped me off, I called my boyfriend, we shot the shit for the next hour. When I got off the phone it was 4:07 PST. My mom died at 7:20 EST. I will forever despise the moment when I looked at the clock 13 minutes before my mom died and didn’t call.

I know, I know. You cant regret anything. Its useless. According to the doctor that performed the autopsy, she did not suffer. My hope is that she did not even have a second to worry.